Yesterday my co-worker lend me a book about heartaches and break ups. I was indeed excited to read about it since I know I can relate to the stories on the book. Not because I just broke up with somebody recently but let's just say I'm still feeling hurt when I do remember my past love.
I left my office 8:30 am and went straight to the bank to pay my bills. I was three hour late going home since my shift ends at 6am. Our team also had a meeting and we just signed a contract that binds us to our account for 6 months. Not to mention a 1k increase in our salary provided that we pass our quarterly exam. To continue, I was so excited to read the book that I even started reading while I was on my way home. I admit I see myself smiling everytime I read a story like mine. As if I'm the main character on the book.
I was only hurt twice. Or let say thrice but the first one was not really considered since it's just a puppy love. But I admit I had fights with my bestfriend during my high school days.
The first major time I was hurt was when I had my boyfriend for 16 months. It was a breakup that really left me crying for months. I'm just starting my work with Sitel back then. I can still remember my shift starts at 12am and ends 9am in the morning. The day I broke up with my ex I was awake for 3 straight days. That was the worst feeling I ever had. No peace of mind. My heart swelling in pain. The urge of calling and seeing him. The fact that he left me for his teacher was insane! I even told my friend a joke that my last name was "maestro" and that means I'm also a teacher. Funny huh?! But he was the guy I loved most in my life. He taught me how to love and be loved in return. But it ended in a sad way. Maybe he's not really meant for me. Last thing I heard from him was that he was getting married with the girl. Her mom even invited me to see their wedding. Like duh?! Who wants to see the guy you love saying "I do" to the girl who stole him from you? But my bitterness was all gone. I learned a lot from my heartaches from him. I was stronger than before.
5months after I broke up with my ex, I realized I was falling for another guy. This guy was the recent guy who gave me a punch in my heart. Not because we broke up, since there was never really an "US" story, but because I was there when he broke up with her girl and until now that she has a new gf. It was wonderful during the start. It was always a kilig moment when I was with him. I thought he was different from my ex. He was gentleman. Loyal. Loves his family so much and he's into sports. He was indeed an ideal guy. If I loved my ex 101%, I loved this recent guy 80%. Not because I loved my ex more but because during those time I started loving myself.
But how did I love thee? Let me count the ways... Though, I loved my ex more, I'm not sure if you're going to believe me on what I did the for the sake of love with this guy. Believe me or not I went to Baclaran and prayed the novena for 2 years. Yes, for two years! 2 years of consecutive Wednesdays! Rain or Shine! I asked Mama Mary if I could win my guy's love but I was wrong. I keep on telling myself it was a "NOT NOW" but I guess her answer was a clear "NO". I kept listening to all his stories about his girls, though it's wounding my heart. Everytime I checked my account, I was always checking on his page. Any details about his girl makes me cry. But still I keep on checking his page. I was even called "martyr" by my friends. I'm a fool indeed. But that made me strong through the years.
I don't want to be plastic. Of course, deep inside my heart I hoped that my love will be returned. But that didn't happen. He just sees me as a friend. That's ok. I learned how to love unconditionally. Believe me I loved him with all respect. I respected him as a person and I respected his decision. I want him to be happy and so be it. I let go of my illusion,,,FINALLY!
To end my story short, the book was right. Never listen to any sad songs, never call him when you want to, never look back, go on a vacation, try something new, engage yourself to new things, cry out loud! This worked for me for a while... hmmm... I guess not only for a while... cause I can say I moved on... I was not crying myself to sleep at night anymore... I still remember I wrote in my last blog that I was bitter no more. Yes! I am not... hahahha... Finally!
"sometimes, you have to try not to care no matter how much you do. Because sometimes, you can mean nothing to someone who means everything to you..."
-=Ü=-
